Sabickford: Laughter is like a windsheild wiper, it doesn't stop the rain but allows us to keep going.
The past can haunt you, but so can ghosts. The future can be unpredictable, but so can the stock market. So the lesson is, don't worry about ghosts and the stock market and you will be fine.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases a hundredfold when you're with someone you're not supposed to be seen with.
My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's...
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I hate it when people see me at the supermarket and they're like 'Hey, what are you doing here?' I tell them 'You know.. hunting elephants.'
"Oh you want to have your cake and eat it too?" Darn right, what good is cake if you can't eat it ?
You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared!
A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first.
My wife told me the other day that I don't take her to expensive places any more, so I took her to the gas station.
If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
A zoology teacher asks the class 'What is the one animal in the jungle that a lion is afraid of?' The class answers: a lioness.
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
I tried exercise but I was allergic to it. My skin flushed, my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very Dangerous.
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it he will. There is no need to pester him about it every 6 months.
I once won a argument with a woman --- in this dream I had.
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. - Like a RV!
Judging by the frying pan that just flew by my head, I did something wrong. I can't wait to find out what it was.
